A NEW PLACE FOR COMEDY

Hi, my name is Stephen James. I would like to take this opportunity to get to know one another. Let me tell you a little about myself.

Thanks you all for joining us tonight when you could have been at home watching TV and enjoying yourself.

I work with the Melbourne Civic Theatre in promotions as well as teaching classes and performing at the theatre. I used to own a Commercial Diving Company. We worked underwater on boats and ships and as I always worked as an actor in someway, it has always been my hope to someday pool all my talents together and get my big brake in commercials as the Tiddy Bowl man.

Speaking of commercials, things are really strange now a days don’t you think. Why just the other day I was watching some TV commercials. Man, they're using all the neat songs of my generation to sell stuff....Bob Seager songs selling Chevrolet Trucks!? The Who’s music selling computers. I can only imagine that someday in the future they'll have Marilynn Manson music hyping the medical centers of Dr. Kevorkian. (Or selling overdoses of Sominex to euthanasianest.)

Anybody here ever been single?

Well I am single.
I've been a bachelor for most of my life by choice. ..Well, mostly by the choice of the women I date.

But, we bachelor's are a select group, I'm proud to be one. We're people without any personal obligation, people without any social encumbrance, and people without any socks that match.

I even belong to the International Brotherhood of Bachelors. Our secret call sign is
(Finger to lips) IIII BBB BBB. III BBBB BBBBB.

Lot of great men were bachelors. Sherlock Holmes was portrayed as a bachelor. Sir Isaac Newton, Cerino DeBergerac and Casanova were bachelors, also St. Paul, President Buchanan, Voltaire and almost all the Popes. King Henry the VIII kept trying to be one. The Lone Ranger was single, Sam Spade and of course Jesus the Christ not to mention Daffy Duck, and I’m sure it's hard to believe, but the three Stooges where bachelors too.

I've become so dishearten and lonely lately that I've quit looking for the right woman in my life and now I'm going to do my best with the wrong ones.

The best I can do is hold on to my Peter pan, lost boy image and my humor.
I learned these words of wisdom from my grandfather a long time ago. "If the women don't find you handsome you need to have 'em find you handy and if your not handy, you’ve got to relay on your humor to distract them from the other two".

Now I know I'm not butt crack ugly. I do look good in a way. But it's mostly from far way. I do have a body of a twenty year old, course if you want to see it; it's in the trunk of my car.

Cause of that I'm having to relay on my humor to find my way into a woman's heart, so I'd really appreciated if you laugh at my jokes even if it's only because you think I'm pathetic.

And I'm not too handy, I can figure things out it's just that my hands don't know what they’re doing. Like when it comes to installing electrical wiring in a house. I know how to do it. But when I get done the firemen always come.

You would also add to my list of qualities, that I’m a little lazy.
Like I said, I can think things out; it’s just that I don’t have the gum’chin to do ‘em. Like once when I wanted to dig a garden in my backyard. But was too lazy to do it. So I got the police to come dig up my garden for me by telling 'em I'd been burying bodies back there.

That's why whenever I do get a new girlfriend I always have her over and start cleaning my house in front of her and look real pathetic and incompetent in doing it. Cause sometimes they'll pitch in or better yet even take over. Course if that doesn't work, I try bartering with her....like I trade housekeeping chores for doing her income taxes... I figure by the time the IRS catches up to her, me and her will probable be broken up anyway.

With that comment I'm sure it’s hard for you to believe that I am single. I have been married though. I remember when she came to tell me how her feelings for me had changed. So I said fine, return the wedding ring I gave to you. She said, no, my feelings for the ring haven't changed.

Thank you. Enjoy the Blog.

The team will be working on this Blog soon so don't think this is the funniest it gets. Come back in a day or two and watch what's happened